I will start by saying that I am truly so happy for you when you get married, dating someone new, have a baby, get engaged, buy a house, etc. I just can’t take reading about it or hearing about it anymore. I am 30 freaking 1 and I don’t have any of that stuff. Yes, I have a great job that I make great money at, but I want all the other stuff. When my friends in their early 20’s are getting engaged it makes me really sad. Really sad. I am so happy for them, but when will it be my turn? Will I get a turn? I do date and I do go out to meet guys, but it doesn’t happen for me. Where the hell is he?! Every time I see someone on FB have a happy moment, I truly am very happy for them, but it doesn’t make me feel good for myself. I love seeing cute baby photos or family photos with baby daddies being good parents, but I want all that and then some. When you walk around a public place and start counting people with babies or that are pregnant, you sort of think you lost it.
When your sisters who are 10 years younger than you start having babies, you wonder if it will ever happen for you. Maybe I am not ready, maybe he isn’t, but seriously, what do I do to get ready! I am tired of this. When your parents say that you are the ‘good child’ for having a career instead of marriage, but you know that you want those things, it sort of kills you inside. At Christmas we were walking around the neighborhood and I was pushing my nephew on his scooter thing. We all stopped to look at something and then started walking again. My nephew didn’t quite start going and he fell off and said ‘whoa’ (he wasn’t hurt, don’t worry) and my mother pats me on the back and says “this is why you don’t have children” and laughs. That didn’t feel good. I know they don’t mean to make me feel bad, but it does.
I have been trying this new thing for reading my Facebook newsfeed, but it hasn't worked very well. If I see 3 things regarding a happy family, an engagement, a wedding, a pregnancy, etc I stop looking at Facebook for the day. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s what I have to do not to break down and cry. These thoughts have been in my head for awhile now, but in the last few months they have really gotten me down. So, effective today I am going to take a break from Facebook. I am not sure how long I will be boycotting it, but I will be uninstalling the apps and refusing to go to the website anymore.
I will keep posting on here, but I did want to say (er, type?) my thoughts. Apparently my blog has become my diary. :)